I found out something interesting today at lunch, something I think might really help me in the end. Not everyone cares about how much they hurt their former partner or about being fair to them or even about how the divorce will impact their children's lives. A lot of parents don't care if the other parent ever sees the children again. Some people look upon divorce as their opportunity to grab and take as much as they possibly can, regardless of whether or not its fair. Some people pack up the car on the spur of the moment and leave, just abandoning everything, children included. Others look upon leaving as the opportunity to rub the others face in the mud so to speak, unleashing as much negativity and pain upon them as possible.

Here I am, thinking of him, worrying about breaking his heart, fearing he might end up alone, unhappy and bitter. I know I don't want to be with him, but that doesn't mean I want him to be alone in his senior years. He is a person, a human being and growing old alone can really be hard on a person.

I worry about being fair, I look around the house and think of the minimum I can take, wanting to leave him with his needs met, regardless of my own. I think about saying good bye to things I chose for the house and for myself like my computer chair for example. If he wanted it then I would let him have it. In the end he just can't have me.

And he can't have the kids, not full time. He doesn't lose his temper often but when he does it can be ugly, scary for the kids. He loves them dearly, and I want him to be able to see them. I don't think it would be healthy for the boys for me to desire otherwise but I also fear him having full time custody might not be best either. I seek a balance, something that can be healthy for all of us.

In the end, he will hurt, but at least it won't be out of viciousness on my part, I hope to make sure of that and that is a far cry better than many folks are willing to give their exes. I'll always be sad for him, but I can't hold myself responsible for how he responds as long as I know I did my best to spare him pain.